grief advice

misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.”

If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. 

Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.

1.  You have the right to regress.
2.  You have the right to break down; to spend 1 and 2 and 3 days in bed.
3.  You have the right to fuck up.
4.  You have the right to make the best decisions and plans for you and your healing.
5. You have the right not to be harassed and condescended to as a result of your grief.

6.  You have the right to be treated gently and with love, for as long as you feel it is required.
7.  You have the right to excise from your life any person who is incapable or unwilling to treat you gently and with love, for as long as you feel it is required.
8.  You have the right to eat too much.
9.  You have the right to deal with your crushing sadness.
10.  You have the right to use all the hot water in the shower.

11.   You have the right to solitude when you need it, and company when you need it.
12.   You have the right to

                                   a pity party
‍
12.b. You have the right to
13.   What the fuck is a “pity party”, anyway? 
14.   Are there special hats?
15.  You have the right to remember this:

You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

‍Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

It’s wrong that this is required of you.

We say, “I couldn’t go on,” instead of saying we hope we won’t have to.

(There is no 27)

the process can be aggravated 

(There is no 27)

Bereaved individuals who either feel the death of their loved one is unexpected or violent may be at greater risk for suffering from major depression, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complicated grief. Major depression is a psychiatric disorder characterized by depression and/or irritability that lasts at least two weeks in a row and is accompanied by a number of other symptoms, like problems with sleep, appetite, weight, concentration, or energy level and may also lead to the sufferer experiencing unjustified guilt, losing interest in activities he or she used to enjoy, or thoughts of wanting to kill themselves or someone else.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

If you jump to stay busy now, or sidetrack  









it will only resurface

‍They may have gone to the ground or the sea or the sky, but a part of the spirit remains, always. Death is just a portal to the next room
‍Sometimes I still feel his hand in mine or his arm around my waist or shoulders and I know that those we love
I know this because after he left a hundred other brothers rushed in‍
‍They are no replacement for the original but they’ve all held me up on their shoulders &
‍Everyone thinks their dead brother was the best, but

Dear Chris,

‍This is the worst birthday you’ve ever had.

And I sat on the floor and wept over the package of Lucky Strike.